Journal Entry: Thu Jan 29, 2015, 6:36 AM
I feel a lot of my friends and I suffer from a similar problem: we know what we want, but we always feel someone else deserves it more.
Perhaps this isn't really a bad mindset. It can be rather selfless at times, and shows kindness that you're willing to give someone else something that you initially wanted for yourself.
This isn't really an uncommon trait anymore, not from my perspective, but it can also be really damning when you want to do something for yourself. It puts your goals, your aspirations, second before something someone might only want for the time being. Eventually what everyone else wants towers in priority compared to your wants or needs with this mindset. You become easier to take advantage of, wear down and eventually burn yourself out giving up things for something you'll likely not see the end result of anyway.
I probably sound selfish, but I think that's the point. To be selfish enough to want to say or do something for yourself. It's good to help others - great, even - but you have to watch out for yourself, too. It gets hard to do that for some people, because they never feel like they're worth it, or whatever they put forth just won't be good enough by their standards or anyone else's. I know I feel like that plenty and it's admittedly why so many of my projects are stagnant in their potential progress.
I know I have the skills to do what I want, now. Even if it's not an 'official' job, I know I can illustrate what I'd like and at least get the point across. I know that if I don't know how to draw something, I can learn and get better at it in time. I know I can write stories that, if nothing else, satisfy me and my needs as a potential story writer. I know I understand at least some of the basics of sequential story telling. I know I've got the ability to improve on whatever 'weaknesses' I may have currently and build upon them to make me stronger.
I also know that I let my doubt and perfectionism get in the way of making these things. My need to meet impossibly high standards and my doubt that I could ever reach those standards without someone to lean on. My need to work in such a way that I can steadily produce work and my doubt that I can either stick to that schedule or doubt that the work I produce will have been worth it.
I need to tamper my perfectionism and work through those doubts, not just as an artist but as a person as well.
It's not going to be easy. It never has been. But I want this for myself. To be able to sit down, work and feel confident that the work I put forth will be what propels me to bigger and better things.
I just need to remember that doubting isn't going to solve my problems. Progress is, and I need to work towards it...